In Fall 1996, I was told that my endometriosis had gotten so bad that I had a lot of scar tissue blocking the fallopian tubes, which would cause a blockage for an egg to ever pass through to be fertilized – in simple terms, I was told I would never be able to have a child. I did not want to believe that, so I sought the opinion of another doctor, only to be given the same heartbreaking fate. My dreams of being a future mother were shattered, and I fell into a dark place of depression.
In the coming months, I acted out my anger and rebellion against God. I was not in a committed relationship, but in my loneliness and depression, I reacted irresponsibly and recklessly. To my shock and disbelief, in March 1997, I found out that I was pregnant! While one part of my heart was overjoyed at this miracle, the bigger part of me was saying OH CRAP! I was not in a relationship, so of course not married, which went against everything I was ever raised in to learn at church and in my Christian walk. Even at 23 years old, I dreaded having to tell my parents and break their hearts and hopes for me. My dad was a pastor, and I knew this was the forbidden sin and fate in the churches that I grew up in.
Sure enough, it was one of the worst days of my life when I told my parents and seeing their reactions. I felt like an absolute failure in my family and felt like I was better off dead than going through this. Abortion wasn’t an option for me because I was not going to commit murder over something that was my own fault. I prayed for death…I prayed for a miscarriage…I prayed that my baby and I would be in a fatal car accident so we wouldn’t a burden or an embarrassment to my family.
BUT GOD! He had other plans…
Soon after telling my family, I began to experience very bad abdominal pains. I thought I was having a miscarriage, so I went to see my doctor. They did a vaginal sonogram, and there she was….this tiny peanut-shaped little being inside of me. And there was the heartbeat!! I could see it, and I could hear it. This was the most life-changing moment for me because this experience became more real, and I was changed in that moment. I went from having fear and shame to having unconditional love and protection against anything and anyone who could ever harm my baby. I really wanted a boy because I didn’t want any of those “payback” stereotypes the older generation would talk about if I had a girl. But again, God had other plans.
When I found out my baby was a girl, I decided on the name Hannah Monique.
Hannah – the name of the woman in the Bible who could not have a child, but God blessed her with Samuel; and she immediately turned around and gave him right back to God, making sure that he was raised in the House of God under the mentorship of Eli.
Monique – just another form of my own name. I figured if it was just Hannah and I, then I wanted her to have a part of my name.
Hannah’s time in my womb wasn’t as blissful as I see in other moms. I was sick and nauseous the entire pregnancy. Hannah was due on October 25, but on October 6 during my checkup, it was found that I had Preeclampsia, formerly called toxemia. This was a dangerous condition for both Hannah and I, and I was immediately put on bedrest. But on the morning of Tuesday, October 7, 1997, my water broke at home and I went to deliver my baby. The labor and delivery was an absolute dream from heaven! Hannah just slid right out without even pushing – there was no pain, no tearing, and no cutting. But in the minutes following, things got scary. The toxemia had worsened and my blood pressure was too high from the excitement of seeing my baby. The nurses demanded that everyone leave the room, and she turned off all the lights, leaving me all alone. I pleaded for her to let my mom stay, but she got in my face and yelled, “Do you want to die? Do you want that little girl to grow up without her mother? Now close your eyes and go to sleep!” It was one of the scariest moments of my life. I’m grateful that it all turned out okay, and I was able to heal from all that and went home within a couple of days. I had so much support from so many people everywhere.
Hannah’s story is so much longer than what I share today. But today I only wanted to focus on her beginning. Fast forward 24 years later, and I am beyond blessed that God gave me Hannah! On top of that, God blessed me with 3 more children, all boys! God is so amazing and fulfilled my desires for children in every way possible!
Hannah is 24 years old, and she is who I wish I could have been when I was her age. I was a single mom at her age without a job and nothing to show for materialistically. Hannah has her Bachelor’s Degree, her career with HEB as a bakery manager, her home, her car, and her fur babies! She’s absolutely the one that God used and sent to me to save my life from that dark place. My heart was filled with a love I never understood and that has only become stronger throughout the years. I am forever grateful for the 4 blessings that call me “Mom.”
Happy 24th Birthday Hannah!
FindJoy 