Kelly (Part 7 of 7)

This story is a very special one to me, and I felt that it was so important to share. It is a very complex story filled with losses throughout Kelly’s life. In order for readers to really absorb every detail, I have decided to break up Kelly’s life story into sections, which will eventually lead up to her present life. Trust me, there IS a happy ending here, but it comes with much loss and heartache. I began sharing her story in Part 1, so if you missed the previous parts of the story, I recommend you go and read them before starting this one. Today is the final piece of her story so that you can see how her story unfolds and where she is now. Here we go with the final piece, Part 7 of 7…

Author: Kelly Lynn

Throughout all these first 6 losses in my life, I have had small moments where I get the feeling of God so strong that I say, “okay, I’m going to stay on this path.” And then there are others where I just want to spiral downward. And I’m not not going to lie; I have spiraled. I’ve gone down the path where I’ve been homeless; sleeping in my car; having nothing; having to start over all over again; drinking a lot to mask the pain; surrounding myself with people who do not follow in God’s footsteps; and so many more things that I’ll leave unmentioned. But when I look back on my life, I realize that things could have taken a WAY worse turn. I have always tried to keep my head up, be the positive light, the “glass half full” kind of girl. I believe that there is so much good in life and that we shouldn’t take it all for granted. There is so much hate and turmoil in our world, that what good would it do to add to that myself? What good would it do to keep doing down the path that leads me to nothing but hurt, destruction, trouble, sorrow, and bitterness? I have always loved and believed in God; I was just angry for so many years that I never was able to fully open my heart to accept ALL He has to offer.

For about two years (2017-2018), I was on a small downhill spiral where I was drinking a lot, going out, had a few bad influencing friends that I allowed to steer me in the wrong direction. I fought daily, knowing that I was not doing what God wanted me to do, knew that He was disappointed in me. I knew that my Mom in Heaven was disappointed in me. Then in September of 2019, I found out I was pregnant again. This time, by someone whom I thought was my best friend, someone I truly thought would be in one another’s lives forever. It didn’t matter the capacity; we just always said we would be there for one another. He was someone who I had spent hours with, talking, laughing, and so much more.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was beyond happy, but I was scared even more so. Here I was, a single 38-year-old woman who had lost my job and was on unemployment; and I’m having a baby with my “best friend” who used the excuse we couldn’t be together because of my ex. This time around, I was going to make sure I did everything I could to prepare for this baby, to have a healthy pregnancy, and to take all the necessary precautions. I also turned to God a lot more. Does that mean I was perfect? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I still struggled with my own issues and sin. I kept thinking that being let go from my job was a blessing. This WAS God’s will, and He wanted to make sure that I left that stressful, toxic environment so I could focus on taking care of my unborn child and myself and to prepare for this life change. And I did as He wanted, what I thought was the best thing over the next 9 months. Things were rocky some days with my best friend, and others were amazing. There were lots of laughs, tears, baby name talk, plans on what would be good for our child, dreams and aspirations we had for our baby, creating a playlist that I could play for the baby while I was still pregnant; but eventually also heartache that I endured because I had to face the reality he did not want to build a family with me. That hurt the most. I never understood and still think of it from time to time now why he wouldn’t want to have that family life.

Fast forward to April 2020, and our little miracle blessing Benjamin Anthony was born! After all the pain I’ve endured in life with trying to have a baby, I FINALLY have my miracle and blessing. And it was all in God’s timing. He had His plan, and I just wasn’t ready for it until now. I will never understand some of the things that God has shown me, and that is okay. It has been a very hard 10 months, but I love this little boy more than life itself and he has truly changed me. His father hasn’t been involved at all, (he did have 4 visits with Benjamin for a total of 5 hours in 9 months), but he doesn’t want to have anything to do with Benjamin. I don’t know how someone would want to walk away from their child, but I won’t force him to be involved. He has a life of his own and there is no place for Benjamin. And while I consider the loss of who I ultimately considered my best friend Loss #7, he gave me the best blessing in the world. Every once in a while, I still find myself missing our friendship, but I know in time that will go away. It has already diminished quite a bit, but the biggest challenge is the loss for Benjamin. I will always love him, as he was a big part of my life and then as mentioned he gave me the greatest blessing and thing I had always wanted in life. He gave me my son, and I will be forever thankful for that and love him.

Growing up the way I did, growing up without the real “family” connection, not knowing my father, not having a bond with my stepdad when I was taken from him for so many years, never knowing who my mom truly was and having those moments of laughter, tears, watching me graduate, have a baby, or just those mommy/daughter days, I NEVER want my son to experience that. I never want him to know that he wasn’t wanted, wasn’t loved, and wasn’t a priority. All I can do now is overcome. I have to turn it ALL over to God and know that He will never give us more than we can handle, even if we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over. There is so much joy in life, so much out there for us to experience and be thankful for. God just lets us make the choice, and He lets us decide.

After all the turmoil I have endured in the past 40 years, I can’t let the enemy win and go down that path of destruction, whether it’s self-destruction or more. I have chosen to rise above that and be happy. Be blessed. Be loved. And give love. I have reintroduced God’s word into my life by actively participating in a Bible study, I’ve been more active in church and volunteering, as I have found my forever home finally. God’s grace is what will lead us to pure happiness and knowing that He loves us all and only wants us to do one thing, which is trust in Him and believe. I am nowhere near to where I need to be, but I know I’m far from where I’ve been, and I love myself and who I’ve become. We should never use the excuse “well that’s how I was raised” or “they don’t know any better” because we do learn it, whether as a child, or adult. We learn what is right, what is wrong, and the ability to think on our own and make decisions. I DO believe however, that things that happen to us as we are young and growing up help shape who we are as adults. But we can use that to our benefit to only keep the negative/bad experiences as a testimony, a story of what we went through. And now to look back and realize how far we’ve come and learned and grown. So many times people continue to use that as a crutch, and sometimes I do think that it was so late in their lives that maybe they never got the help they needed or they never had a wake up call like I had. And I do pray for those people. I pray for the ones who are lost and need our help, need His help the most. But I am living proof that someone who has dealt with loss, a rough upbringing without a lot of love, and no religious background CAN bounce back and do good.

As I said, I am nowhere near where I need to be, but I am learning to take one day at a time and know that through it all, I can rely on God to always help me through. God can move mountains, and He will again. We are only given one life, one chance on this earth, so don’t waste it with bitterness and regret. I tell this to you today, not to make you feel sorry for me, not to be judged, not to make you think I am perfect and completely holy, but to give you hope. That if you are struggling, you too can overcome. Build up your circle, your support system with those who truly love our Lord and it will help see you through.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33